Enough! I’m sick and tired of all of the arguments! They just never end! It’s exhausting, how much more can I take? Is this what I signed up for? This sucks! You know what? I didn’t picture my role as a mom like this! Is it like this for everyone?
BFF & win win situation
Haha… Did I just make you laugh? you and your children as BFF’s? you’re probably thinking what a dream? well maybe. But even if so, what a nice dream it is…Give me a chance to explain, OK? No, It’s not like it’s possible to create a utopian reality where you and your family never argue, and it’s not like I have a magic stick you could just wave around and make every after-noon or weekend a series of endless hugs, kisses, flowers and hearts. That’s pretty impossible. And you know what? I’m not quite sure it’s exactly what you want either. Because if a reality like that does exist, that means someone out there is giving up (and big time) on all their wants and needs (which we will get to in just a sec). But in front of that endless pattern of arguments and chaos, that escalates, hurts and at the end of the day doesn’t get you or them anywhere, you can use a much better alternative, a saner one–shall we begin?
Of course we will, I didn’t leave you much choice now did I… :))
Multipotentiality and Amazing discoveries.
As a compulsive inquisitor that answers precisely to the cool “multipotentialites” term above, “multipotentialites” is taken from an even cooler TED Lecture by Emilie Wapnick (which you can watch right here)(Link to “Say, Did you already check what your kid will grow up to be?” video post) I really enjoy moving between different media contents . and surprisingly (or not), every time I step into a new world of concepts , I find that every new pool of concepts is (apparently) parallel to another,
They are so much alike in fact, that their only difference is in the meaning that the media world gives them. And why am I going on about my side business and multipotentiality ? Because believe it or not , the solution to most of the arguments with your beloved children is in one small yet big insight. An insight that in the terminology world we call Nonviolent Communication (see Dr. Marshall Rosenberg) and in other words it’s a Win Win Situation, and in a utopian world it’s called BFF= Best Friends Forever. And what’s that secret component to all of these terms? one understanding: Behind every action there’s a want or a need, or usually both, and no want and need are defiantly not the same thing! ,for example a man wants a drill but needs…a hole in a wall!) Meaning behind every “how & what” there’s a big and very important “why”. And if you want to create/establish a real one on one communication with someone then there’s no choice but to put aside our need and want and understand (but really understand) their need and want. And no, I’m not talking about the self righteous action of giving endlessly, giving up your wants and needs or self sacrifice. On the contrary, I am talking about a practical uniting approach, one that in reality brings success and prevents a waste of time, energy, health and even money.
Sounds vague? Don’t worry, I’ll clarify everything in a moment…
Looking For the “WHY”!
Your son doesn’t want to obey your request? Your daughter isn’t willing to perform a task you planned out for her? Your client doesn’t want to purchase your services? Stop fighting the phenomenon, and instead of dwelling in the “how & what” Go and find out the why???
Look for the reason! how? in various ways and according to the situation: You could just ask them, you could guess, work by the law of elimination and exclude every wrong assumption, and the best one…you could just stop and just observe! Usually the answer is right under our nose, and in front of our eyes and the only reason we can’t see it is the direction we are looking at. You see dear? If you and them focus on the action then there is no real chance for a win win situation. you don’t believe me? see it for yourself:
You don’t want your daughter to go to the party and she does.
You want your son to eat only one candy a day and he wants three.
You want him to do his homework as soon as he gets home and he wants to do it later in the evening.
Yes or no? One or three? Now or later?
If you focus on the action – There will always be a loser that feels like they missed out
So, what do you do?
You separate the action from the need and understand that you can disagree with the action but still accept and understand the need! And if with these actions you are in a Or/Or slot
with the need you can create a situation of This and That.
Situations of which I am happy about and also the other side. And understanding that from there you can create closeness, understanding caring and even consent.
And yes, it requires “a little” contribution and mainly adapting different communicational habits, but it surely is possible, affective and even beneficial.
A new communication as a way of life!
so, what do you do? create new form of communication! you make it an actual habit, and use it daily, as a way of life. You create communication that considers boundaries, daily routine and parental respect. A communication that knows how to set boundaries and red lines but also doesn’t just focus on the action, and listens to the needs: the maternal need and the other side, and with that builds is a web of smart, considerate and attentive agreements.
It might sound complicated, but as wiser men have said: It is definitely short in the long run.
How can you create communication like that? A few parts of the answers are right here (link to post: Thesis, Antithesis, Synthesis) and how can you turn it into an actual habit- one that’s natural and fluent? By eliminating damaging habits and implementing productive habits, you can read about right here (Link to “Who says you can’t” post)
To your success and mine!