Did you ever see how a scar on the heart is created? I did.
I once watched it happen, how a child’s honor was trampled, how another rock was added to her assault pile, and I couldn’t help but wonder:
Maybe one day one of these stones will become a barrier between her and her mother. between her and the world.
Scars of insult
It was one sunny day, I was standing with my child and other mothers waiting for the bus to take us to a fun family outing we signed up for. We were all chatting, laughing, talking, passing information as the way mothers do. the kids were jumping around, chatting, laughing… obviously they were excited and thrilled looking forward to an eventful day. For a reason I can’t even recall I was standing next to a women that I hardly knew, but seemed a pleasant friendly lady, dressed fashionably and well groomed smiling and chatting with another mother. They were both laughing and chatting, and out of nowhere a chubby blonde child was running towards her mother with her arms stretched out, either reaching for a hug or attempting to stop her fall and put her hand right on her mom’s chest and stomach. What happened at that moment was embedded in my brain forever, and what I remember most was the mother and child’s facial expression that were engraved in my memory forever. The well groomed mother was apparently startled by her child’s sudden touch and as she looked down on her blouse she saw a pair of dirty hands on her bright clean shirt, and at that second her face changed and her gaze became a mix of anger and despair and she pushed her child away and shouted: “Oh, Come on! What are you a baby? You completely ruined my shirt! Why are you not careful????” The look on her child’s face broke my heart… Yes, there was insult, pain and even disappointment, but the most frightening of all was that it also had a sort of indifference and acceptance filled with despair but complete acceptance, so it was defiantly not the first time.
C’mon, one slip up, it’s human after all, right?
And maybe now you are saying to yourself: “Well come on, a small shove, raising your voice a little, don’t exaggerate, it’s not a national crisis, we are only human, we make a mistake and keep going, and besides children are smart and they know us, everyone knows their merchandise”
So you know what? Life taught me not to judge, and yes it was clear this lady was not Cinderella’s step-mother, and I myself a moment ago assumed she was a pleasant friendly individual, which you could totally relate to: Yes, it was probably not the first time this happened, and she clearly had a conversation with her daughter attempting to prevent situations such as that and she probably had no intention of humiliating her child in front of strangers and friends. But it happened.
That scream reverted our gaze straight to her and suddenly without meaning, we all found ourselves (mothers and children alike) a part of an embarrassing and humiliating scene in a mother-daughter relationship.
Small actions, Great weight.
Often enough tiny actions such as that one can move us out of balance.
Sometimes it’s just another brick in the wall, but sometimes it’s like a volcano that slowly builds up, when a tiny rock sets off a chain reaction that is similar to a volcano eruption which has nothing to do with that tiny incident that triggered it. This usually happens with our loved ones.
Whatever the reason may be, it will not change the fact: moments like that create a mark on our souls! And yes, you’re right, it’s not a national crisis, but you have no idea how influential and especially how much these moment rack up, they are like drops in a big ocean, rocks building up to a great wall. I often encountered (and if you rack your brain you might also) grown adults that treat their parents unfairly , and to us, the observers, we have no idea how or why they do so, and then during a random conversation, suddenly the child returns and years of repressed pain come back to small incidents that happened sometime during their lost childhood.
Good news and less good news.
So what do you do?
As a first step- embrace yourself for both outcomes:
The less good news is- scars like that will always happen (unless you are a godly creature:)) the more we try, strive, and be prepared for it , situations like that just happen, out of life, out the beat, out of dilemmas and human weakness – it is not entirely under our control and there is no use of agonizing ourselves more than we should.
Good news- Situations like that only create a bruise and with good therapy – it can heal completely without even leaving a mark reminding us it ever happened.
Good communication is one of the best ways of dealing with these kind of bruises, and also dealing with the reasons for why it happens. (If you still have a little bit more energy left I full heartedly recommend you to read this post (link to bff post).