Seems like your man doesn’t show any interest in the kids? Doesn’t really take part? Isn’t really connected? oops, you might be right 🙂
Circles of power- Connecting to the ancient resource of motherhood wisdom.
How much does this ring a bell?
“One late evening your child has a fever, on T.V they are broadcasting a basketball game, and he, the man of the house is deep into the game, but goes and checks on the ailing baby here and there and asks you what should we do? You decide to take the kid to the doctor, which of course he volunteers and quickly gets ready and so do you. But your definition of getting ready involves putting the child in the carry-on and physically attach him to your body, get the bag ready with everything you might need, maybe he will be hot, cold, maybe he will poop or pee, diapers, wipes, maybe he will be hungry, pacifier… And your loved one? He didn’t even turn the T.V off yet, he is with you and the game at the same time, he quickly gets ready, puts the little one in his car seat, you sit by your baby and hold his tiny little hand, and on the way he listens to the radio (which of course has the game on) and when you get to the doctor, in the waiting room, you put your child close to you, feel his labored breathing, put a hand over his burning forehead, kiss it and close your eyes- all focused on your baby, and the man next to you is in between a look over to you and the little one, but has already got a chance to ask the man next to him if he happened to hear the score of tonight’s game…”
Yes, I plead guilty, I used to believe that there is no such thing as a man and a women but that we are all humans (female and male) and I was also a hot feminist. But oops… Right in my first relationship small breaches began to form between me and my beliefs, and truth, as it normally does, finally conquered.
These small cracks became a big hole and as I entered motherhood, it became a big abyss. I had to admit the truth and leave the idea- Men and women, as it turns out, are not in fact equal.
Men, Women and what’s between them.
I remember a funny tale from my first days as a mother, me and other friends are sitting on the grass in the park, kids running around and we are enjoying a typical afternoon. And here it starts, small showers of legitimate complaints about our dear husbands disabilities. Each one in her turn shares small bits and to our surprise we are all sharing the same exact complaints. And why is it to our surprise? Well each of us has a different husband, different background, different characteristics, different profession, each voted for a different party, thought and enjoyed different things… but as it turns out when it was time to be a parent, in certain aspects – All fathers were exactly the same as their ancient four fathers. Jokingly I summed up the topic with the following sentence: “Dear girls, I have an epiphany! So it seemed that God didn’t create women from a single rib of the man, on the contrary, he created women by taking 90% out of the male brain and leaving them with only 10% – So let’s show some respect, because they have to accomplished a lot with that 10%, so we should be impressed by that, right?”
Well that was definitely just a joke and clearly there is a wide spectrum of men, and some come from a new species that aren’t ashamed and can even tap into their female energy that every person holds, but as it turns out that even the most attentive of men, are still linked to their ancient fathers in ways we can’t even comprehend, that defiantly create a difference.
Living human tissue.
So for me personally I believe the best tip is simple. Don’t expect your man to understand what you are going through, and don’t anticipate him to get the bond you have with the baby you gave birth to. Because you and your child share a very dense fiber, a fiber that started from the first moment he started creating and living in your belly, a fiber that became denser and richer every hour and every day he started his life in your body, such a dense fiber that there is no room for anyone else, and sadly women loosen that fabric intentionally – and sabotage it in an irreparable way, since that tissue is the eternal belly cord and there is no way of adding anyone else without harming it.
This is not to say that you should leave the happy father out of the picture entirely – Don’t worry he will obviously have some sort of connection to his kids, a wonderful, exciting fruitful bond, but he will never have a part of that previously mentioned fiber. That is the reason the actions and thoughts of your beloved partner can be very different than yours.
It’s real, it happens all the time, and it doesn’t mean he is bad, just has different abilities, expecting more than he can ever accomplish might be a sure road to disappointment.
On disappointment and anger.
Most mothers I know have expectations and disappointment which leads to anger, and anger is translated to a very unjust feeling of not sharing the same burden, which is where many mothers try giving the father more tasks expecting a much more fair distribution of the burden and down the road (…mainly if it’s not very successful) they become angrier towards their own mothers and children while missing the natural beauty of motherhood- which is an amazing beauty to miss.
So what do you do when it’s tough? How can you not collapse? How do you prevent motherhood from becoming a burden? One of my favorite answers is: Circles of power. How? Just… Create a small circle of quality women, women who can be helpful, who share and have the tenderness and strength that are right for both you and your child, women who will become a patient and great shoulder to cry on, women who can tap into their most ancient source of wisdom, and have millions of evolutionary experience, and can just be there for you for when it counts and even just because, with a good advice or just a hug.
I really hope I helped,
To your success and mine!